“The New Patriotic Party (NPP’s) incompetence is so bad they need the new product in town, the trending “Obinim Sticker” that many jokingly say can solve every problem. The President and his government need an Obinim sticker to deliver on its promises,” Former President John Dramani Mahama.
“Yes, I stuck an #Obinim sticker on my head last night and when I woke up this morning I had two heads…. but no brain,” Jon Benjamin, British Diplomat.
Thankfully, Bishop Daniel Obinim does not indulge in lots of apostolic verbigeration–the constant repetition of meaningless expressions and phrases to confound and bamboozle. He tells you as it is–in a fraction of a second. At the sight of the perplexed, the God’s Way Bishop is able to enter into the spirit realm, diagnose a family curse or some misfortune that has been planned against a person, and produce the results in the form of prophecy from Heaven.
He has been chosen in these evil and adulterous times to direct a broken humanity to God’s Way–for money, good health and sometimes big buttocks. He heals the sick, visits people in their dreams and even offers lotto numbers for free. Isn’t it God’s Way for His people to enjoy all these blessings exceedingly, abundantly and above all?
Obinim and Afia Schwarzenegger
So what are Bishop Obinim’s worst faults for providing healing to the sick? Last year, Amnesty International said the way the Man of God deploys his healing gifts constitutes human rights abuse, and called for his arrest. The man Obinim is made of two unique attributes: the first is his name (Obinim), which translates into English, as somebody knows, or nobody knows (Obinnim, with a double N). The second attribute is the name of his church: God’s Way International. Obinim God’s Way (Somebody knows God’s Way), or in the case of the second spelling of his name, nobody knows God’s way.
In a healing video that went viral years ago, the young flamboyant Bishop is seen kicking a woman (pregnant, or maybe not) in the stomach with his legs. He twists and turns his right leg in various angles while the poor lady lay almost supine, receiving healing from the man of God–through his properly manicured designer shoes. The woman is healed instantly from the ailment or curse, or whatever Obinim had diagnosed. His usually ecstatic congregation lauds the Bishop and his God for another miracle. The other day, he laid on a helpless man, and as if to breathe life into his body. He mumbled a few words onto the victim suffocating beneath him. He also got his healing. Today, Obinim has gone hi-tech, investing his supernatural powers in a sticker that works magic. If you stick it on your money, it may double. Afia Schwarzenegger has better uses for the sticker.
1GH, 1 Prophet
It is God who works in us, for His will and His good pleasure (Philippians 2:13). Afia Schwarzenegger hit it too hard when she used unsavoury language to describe Obinim’s manifestation of God’s power. In biting sarcasm, Afia opined that the Gospel of Jesus Christ has suddenly become too affordable for the likes of Obinim to count themselves among preachers of the Word.
We live in precarious times. In the midst of misery and despondency, people are genuinely hungry for answers to basic problems, and they would do anything for answers. It doesn’t matter how the solution is packaged or the price of the sacrifice involved. The other day, I told how a bishop in a charismatic church offered to make great prophets out of children if their parents paid an amount of money. He called out for those who would pay GHC10,000 for the special prophetic anointing. He quoted Isaiah 54:13, proclaiming that “All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be their piece.” People poured forth to the podium to covenant with the man of God.
The price was reduced to GHC7,000, then to GHC3,000 and finally to GHC1,000. In the end, it was possible to make your child a prophet at the price of GHC1 (1GHC, 1 Prophet). As they yelled Halleluiah and praised the Lord, filing past one another to dance to the pulpit, a lady walked to my pregnant wife and quizzed: “Madam, you are sitting on your blessings by not standing up. You cannot be seated when the anointing is flowing at this rate.” Did she not see that she was pregnant and needed to sit and rest her weighty belly?
Obinim Sticker for my land
I had a similar encounter in London when the beautiful usherettes at the entrance of a church marched me to the high table, where I sat with church leaders and the Bishop. Had they mistaken me for a visiting pastor? With infectious smiles, a lady collected my Bible and administered a rare dose of apostolic hug, pressing her ample breasts firmly against my chest.
The Bishop preached about family curses and harsh living conditions of immigrants in London. He called out a woman and revealed that she was not married because her family in Ghana had turned her face into a dog. It scares men away.
He paused and turned to me: “Sir, you will be a professor. I can see you teaching lots of people. You have secured huge plots of land for a house in Ghana and somebody called Kwaku is messing with the documents.” Well, parts of what he said were correct. The high table is not meant for losers. I had come to church in a brand new Benz (nobody knows (obinnim) that it was borrowed). He couldn’t say anything uncomplimentary about a well-dressed gentleman who looked rich enough to pay huge tithes.
True, at my age, if I had no plans of building a house in Ghana, then I am a buffoon. Well, the papers on the plot had not been completed at the time, but I don’t remember any Kwaku messing with them. Maybe the spiritual Kwaku did mess me up after all, because I lost the land eventually. I need Obinim Sticker to get my land back. It may come with gold and diamonds. Well, the sticker would protect it from galamseyers.
Tissues of the Issues
…with Kwesi Tawiah-Benjamin (email@example.com)