Knowing and meeting your wife’s needs

“Then the Lord God said: “It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make him a helper suitable for him,” Genesis 2:18.


Need 1

Help your wife: Your wife feels loved when you are willing to help her out.  Don’t wait to be asked if you can help—just help.  Then look at her in the eyes and say “Just another way to say I love you.”  The scripture teaches the importance of helping when needed.

Ecclesiastes (4:9-10) says: “two are better than one because they have a good return for their labour. For, if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.” In Galatians 6:2, Paul calls believers to “bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.”  Again and again, scripture reminds us of the importance of helping when times are difficult.  Reaching out to help and accepting help get our needs met and create a special bond with the person we let come near.

I encourage you to let your wife come near, whether your need is large or small, emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual, or material.  A wife feels loved when you, her husband, trust her with your emotions.  It is not a sign of weakness for a husband to share with his wife in this way.  God created the woman to be a helpmate to the man.  You have a need, she too has a need.  Let both needs come together and make both parties happy.  You will probably also find yourself feeling closer to her because you both have taken care of each other’s needs.

Women and men are often unaware of what their partners need.  Why are we so blind? Perhaps because some of us are looking for what we can get rather than what we can give.  Most of us are more than willing and ready to give, but we don’t know how to best meet our mate’s needs. Let us see what men need and women need.

Men’s Needs                                    Women’s Needs

  1. Sexual fulfillment Affection
  2. Recreational companionship Conversation
  3. An attractive spouse Honestly and openness
  4. Domestic support Financial support
  5. Admiration Family commitment


Recognising and meeting these needs for one another will mean a stronger marriage and the ability to get through the rocky times that come.  A wife benefits greatly when her husband recognises her needs and does his best to meet them without always having to be asked.


Need 2; Affection

Women don’t approach love the same way men do.  Men are driven by their eros’ drive and can move into sexual desire even before love appears.  Men perceive they are loved when they have sex with their wives, whereas women love first and then think about sex.  You as a man grow in love for your wife through sexual fulfillment, whereas your wife finds greater sexual fulfillment when she is assured of her husband’s love.

Men can usually function sexually on the basis of eroticism and physical stimulation alone.  A man can become aroused at a selfish level with any woman who is available.  It is easy for a man to engage in sex outside of love.  Women, on the other hand, generally are more emotionally oriented.  Though they are capable of being intensely erotic, a woman usually responds sexually to a man who provides security, understanding, tenderness and compassion.  Women who have extra-marital affairs usually do so because they are angry, lonely, insecure, or generally unfulfilled in their marriage relationship.

As a man, you may not realise that your wife does not view affection the same way you do.  She places more value on love, on the feeling of romance and affection. A wise man will slow down and make sure he is fulfilling those needs first.

Need 3

Spend time with them (companionship)

If husbands do not spend time with them, their wives will feel lonely and unfulfilled.  Then they will not respond positively to sexual advances of their husbands.  Dr Kevin Leman in his book, “sex begins in the kitchen” warns that men should not wait until bedtime to start getting romantic.  He suggests you start setting the stage at breakfast with kind words and loving touches.  Leave a thoughtful note, give your wife a call during the day, give her a hug, a kiss, a wink, and a listening ear when you get home.  She needs more than your sexual prowess to fulfill hers.  She needs all of you.

A primary way to develop intimacy and affection is through language.  Women respond to words of encouragement, edifying words, words that build up—use the following words.

Thank you              Sorry

Please                  I want to

May I                   I would like

Yes                     I will


Rose Corner with Rose HANSEY

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